36. True Nature

BPOV

I stopped crying after a minute. It was ridiculous, really…I shouldn’t be crying over a pair a padded panties, of all things. I sniffled, wiped away the last of my tears with a tissue, and got dressed, all the while marveling at how emotional I was being tonight. I could blame it on the girls‘ memories, or I could blame it on Edward’s actions.


Both. Definitely both…


I nodded to myself, then grabbed my toothbrush off of the counter, pausing for a second to stare at myself in the mirror. I took in my appearance with a slight grimace on my face. My eyes were a little puffy and I saw that my nose and cheeks were tinged pink from crying.


I sighed and set the tooth brush back down on the counter, then quickly splashed some cool water on my face to wash away the salty proof of my wayward emotions.


I miss Edward. And right now, I‘m wishing that I had asked him to stay, consequences be damned. But, I also can’t deny the fact that I’m mad at him right now, too. I am mad and I am hurt.


How could he be so callous with my alternates, knowing that he was ultimately being callous with me?


As much as I know they want to be, Marie and Isabella are not individual people. They are me. They are just two different parts of my subconscious that I don’t have any control over at the moment. It may seem as though I’m essentially three people right now, but I am not, and at the end of the day…it’s all me.


Edward was rough with me. He grabbed and pulled on my arm, he yanked my hair, he smacked my bare ass until I screamed and cried and pleaded for him to stop, he growled in my ear, he yelled and hissed at me…he almost bit me. And all of this happened in the course of one day.


I’m gonna have to talk to him about this. The more I think about it, the more it upsets me, and my need for reassurance from him begins to gradually intensify.


Does he still love me? Why have his actions towards me, at different times of the day, been so harsh?


I’ve seen through the girls’ memories that he’s been tentative and caring throughout the day, but has also had the occasional outburst of anger, in which he immediately resorts to physically punishing them, without exploring other options first. God, it’s like he’s taking his frustrations out on me.


Is all of this; my disorder, my alternates, my therapy…has it become too much for him to handle? Has it become too much for his family to handle?


Oh, God. It has become too much for my vampire family to deal with. They are overwhelmed and they are all plotting and planning different ways to leave me again and they are going to dump me back on my dad and his whore and my life will be over and I’ll want to take another dive off of that damn cliff in hopes of killing myself and Edward won’t care because then, at least, he’d be rid of the human that has bothered and weighed him down for the past year and a half and holy shit, he’s leaving…


Oh my fucking God! Marie yelled, exasperated.


My Edward won’t leave, I won’t let him… Isabella whispered to me.


Will you just shut the hell up, Bell? He is not leaving and you are being a goddamn drama queen Marie informed me.


I sighed. They were right. I was just getting caught up in my emotions, letting my imagination run away with me…that’s all. The Cullens won’t leave me.


Not again.


I started biting at my lip then, still a little nervous in my hypothetical thoughts and trying like hell to believe my supernatural family’s promise to never leave me behind again. I really needed to invest some trust in their promise, but that was proving to be a very hard thing to do. The wounds that they have caused me with their complete and total abandonment this past year, are still very open and sore…plus, Marie does not seem to want to let any of our defense mechanisms down at the moment. She won’t let me put any trust in them. Not yet, anyway. If the Cullens want to have my trust, then they are going to have to go through both of my alternates to get it. Trust is something that I’ve been unable to give anyone for a while now.


I shook my head, trying to clear it of those particular thoughts. Dwelling on my obvious lack of input in the self-worth and self-preservation department of my mind, always puts me in a bitter mood. Both of these important instincts have somehow been diverted into being under my two alternates’ complete control.


For example, I can honestly say that I don’t love myself. I view myself as being pathetic and weak, and I really don’t understand what Edward sees in me, or why he would even want to be with me. However, Marie and Isabella, my alternates, have always expressed complete and utter devotion, love and loyalty towards me.


Marie is always informing me of her deep feelings of love for me and complimenting me on my so-called ‘beauty‘, while Isabella tends to focus more on the fact that I am very important to her, and she likes to constantly inform me that she loves me more than anything in the world.


I can actually feel their fierce sense of loyalty towards me at times. This feeling of loyalty is often fleeting and rushed, but it is always the same and it is always overwhelming. It only appears just before one of them comes into awareness for the lone and sole purpose of protecting me. It’s almost like it is their way of ‘telling me’ not to worry about the impending threat and to just trust them to take care of me. That’s the best way that I know how to explain it.


There is also the fact that, while Isabella’s primal possessive instinct is completely focused and directed at Edward, that same primal instinct in Marie is directed at no one, but me. Only me. She is always telling people that I am ’her’s’, and that she will always take care of me. She is actually having a slight problem in relinquishing that task to Edward right now. They have had arguments over whom it is that I really ’belong’ to and who’s job it is to actually take care of me. Both of them are very stubborn and will not budge in their position of ownership over me. I don’t see it as being a problem right now, but it may become one, if Edward doesn’t take a fucking break from the territorial pissing contest long enough to realize what Marie’s possessiveness towards me really is. It is actually my hidden self-protective instincts shining out, loud and clear, through my seventeen year old alternate. That’s all it is. Simple as that. I need him to just realize that he doesn’t always have to fight with Marie over me, because all he is doing, is essentially fighting me over me, and that just doesn’t make any damn sense. Anyway, these facts, among other things, serves as proof that I actually have a lot invested in my own self-worth.


And also…Edward is always complaining that I am a very reckless girl, who doesn’t seem to care at all about her own safety. Well, he’s completely right. I don’t give a shit. Marie and Isabella, on the other hand…they have always been very quick to jump to my defense, becoming dangerously hostile towards anyone and anything who might pose any type of threat to me. So, you see? Contrary to what Edward might believe, I have a lot to show for my natural self-preservation instincts.


I just don’t have any control over it. Only Marie and Isabella do. And it really chaps my ass and frustrates me to no end, to know that while they can feel this insanely intense ‘love’ for me, I, however, can feel nothing. I just don’t give a damn about myself, and it makes me feel so hollow…empty. It’s fucking depressing.


Yes, but at the same time, it is those ’hidden’ self-preservation instincts, that always tends to get me into a lot of trouble. Edwards wants so badly for me to just express some concern for my own health and safety. While that may be an innocent and reasonable request, he truly has no idea of what he is asking of me. He doesn’t know what it would mean if I were to let myself succumb to those particular instincts.


I subtly shook my head at my own thoughts…if the Cullens only knew.


I am one very fucked up individual.


The girls could actually give my vampire family a run for their money in the whole ‘protection‘ department, I bet. You see, both of my alternates have a very disturbed side to them, in which they are what you would call, ‘sadists’. They both have deeply ingrained violent tendencies and will often times lash out at people for seemingly no reason at all.


Especially little Isabella…acting irrationally and without cause, is only one of the behavioral traits she has adopted from Jim.


Both of my dangerous alternates will randomly get into these moods where they will want to hurt someone, because…I don’t know, maybe they just felt like it. Maybe that person didn’t give them what they wanted. Maybe they just wanted a good laugh. They also have these incredibly sick urges to inflict pain on others. They will often drift inside my head and allow themselves to daydream and fantasize, coming up with dozens of different violent scenarios, in all of which, they play the role of Attacker and their imaginary actions always, in one way or another, mirror some small form of Jim‘s sick behavior. The various ideas that they continue to conjure up never fail to excite either of them. They have always found immense satisfaction in every single heinous act that they have ever committed, all the while, excusing their abhorrent behavior as being some kind of rightful justification against someone who was trying to hurt me in some way. They will claim that their actions were all apart of their efforts to simply ‘protect’ me.


But I know better. I know when they are protecting, and when they are…playing.


Marie, for example, enjoys baiting men, and she does it very well and very often…every chance she gets, actually. She will turn on her sexy charm and flirt with many different, unsuspecting guys…making sure to seduce them a little bit, just for good measure. It is all a game to her. A very amusing one. And a huge sexual turn-on, for some reason. Anyway, once things start advancing towards the direction of possible intercourse, Marie quickly switches up her mood and turns the tables, loudly accusing them of being rapists, right before she proceeds to just beat the living hell right out of them. She absolutely loves it and becomes more and more aroused with every punch she throws and every kick she lands to their body. Their pained cries are music to her ears, and she always, always demands that they scream for her. If they refuse, then she will inflict more pain until she gets what she wants from them. She is almost always equipped with a can of mace and a pair of brass knuckles, to help aid her in her quest of taking down a rather large, or strong male.


This quickly became her most favored activity, besides the typical street fighting, after a man had attempted to rape me in the back of an alley. That night, Marie gave me no warning…she just flashed into awareness, and instantly took over, handling everything for me. She was almost robotic in all of the very fast, very instinctual decisions she had to make in order to insure our survival. Watching her memory of it afterwards, was very surreal. It was as if all of the knowledge and skills that I had gained as a preteen from the hands-on self defense classes my father had made me take, just all of a sudden rushed towards the forefront of my mind and those thoughts became the only thing that Marie could focus her attention on. There were very simple defensive moves, that I had learned eight-ten years prior, that she had begun performing with surprising perfection and unknown grace, her movements quick, unwavering and dead-on. In almost no time at all, she had incapacitated the man and quickly gained the upper hand, putting all of her remaining efforts into using the bastard’s own weapon against him. She stabbed him eleven times, and watched, completely and utterly fascinated, as the spark of life slowly dimmed from his eyes. He was dead after only five of those brutal stabs, but she just kept on going…having entirely too much fun plunging and twisting that knife into various places on his limp body. It was overkill, really, but she had insisted that ’the motherfucker deserved it’ for the act of violence that he was so completely ready to commit against her ‘pretty Bell’.


Isabella, on the other hand….she is a bit rusty, having not performed any of her skills in a quite a while, but she does have skills. Many...many, various skills. Used mainly for torture purposes. In the past, people have often underestimated her, due to her sweet, sing-song voice and adorable looks, complete with soft brown curls and rosy pink cheeks. They were making a very grave mistake when they assumed that she was just another pig-tailed little girl on the playground. There have been many schoolyard fights between Isabella and other children. Somewhat normal, right? Well…not when the pretty and petite doe-eyed girl ties a kid down, or breaks their shins so that they can’t escape their impending doom of broken noses and cracked ribs, or of getting tissue damage around their bruised neck from where her little hands were gripping too tightly in an effort to strangle them…burn marks that she made on their bare flesh with lit matches, deep cuts that she delivered with a simple boxing knife that Jim had told her to take to school.


All a child would have to do was look at me the wrong way, or be so bold as to actually call me a name in an effort to tease, or make fun…or make a statement that I had ‘cooties’. Little things like that sealed their fate. And a part of me actually felt sorry for them. The other part, though, was Isabella, and she felt nothing but blind rage and hatred for other children who appeared to be ‘happy’ in their home life and have lotts of friends to play with on the playground during recess. Irrational jealousy consumed every single cell in her small body, causing her to continuously lash out at people.


While Marie doesn’t like strangers, Isabella doesn't like people. At all. Simple as that. So, to say that I could have just made a few friends of my own, and then maybe Isabella wouldn’t be as jealous of other children’s happiness, because then we would have somebody to play with too, doesn’t make any damn sense. Because she wouldn’t let me make other friends. According to her, she was the only friend that I would ever need, and that was final.


It’s needless to say that I was accused of being a very violent, very disturbed little girl back in the day. So disturbed, in fact, that I was committed to the state’s insane asylum. It was actually Isabella who was the disturbed one, but who am I to talk? Isabella is really me, right? Just like Marie is really me, and I am really the one who gets her nut from torturing men and listening to their screams. It was me performing all of these horrible acts, under the guise and protection of my alternate identities.


That’s what scares the shit out of me about having this disorder. Just knowing the kinds of things that Marie and Isabella do and why they do it, makes me not want to ‘get well’ and recover from this mental illness. I do not want to fuse the good part of my mind with the dark, and depraved part. I don’t want to wake up one day and feel the urge to cut somebody, or burn them…make them scream for my pleasure alone. There is a part of me that definitely craves these things, and that part is successfully thriving in Marie and Isabella.


Edward only knows some of what they are actually capable of. He has both seen Marie in action, and heard Isabella threaten. But he has yet to see their truly violent nature. Hopefully, he won’t ever have to see it.


I sighed, changing my thought process then, and remembering the variety of the many random memories my alternates had shown me, while I was in the shower rewashing my hair with the right shampoo.


They had both been overly excited and insistent with their loud and rushed voices, trying in vain to speak over one another, and causing me a pressure headache with their inane battle at seeing who would be the first one to inform me of their personal account of today‘s events. They were arguing and shoving their voices around, neither of them willing to back down, and both of them wanting to be the first to tell me what had happened today after therapy.


Every. Single. Annoying. Little. Detail.


I sympathized with the girls‘ hurt feelings and their slight confusion with Edward‘s tempered and weird emotions. But, at the same time, I was mad at them. While they did not deserve the odd and uncharacteristic harshness of some of Edward’s reactions, they did, however, deserve his anger. I mean, even I want to smack them around a little bit.


Because, really…Marie trying her hand at stealing again, and then Isabella lying and whining and testing Edward for like, the hundredth fucking time in a week? It’s like they were trying to provoke him.


Fuck you, Bell Marie retorted.


I just wanted to play Isabella insisted indignantly.


Ugh, whatever.


Frustrated that I couldn‘t decide which emotion to focus on, I retrieved my sparkly blue toothbrush once more, and started on the task of scrubbing down my pearly whites. And when I was done with that, I did it again.


Methodically brushing my teeth always seemed to have a strange calming effect on me.


Actually, now that I think about it…doing anything methodically seems to have a calming effect on me. I think that it’s because it provides an easy distraction for my mind, allowing me to completely focus my attention on something else. Something meaningless and simple and mundane. It also satisfies my uncontrollable and deep-routed need for a constant routine with simple instructions. I’ve had this nonsensical need ever since I can remember…ever since my early days with Jim.


As I stood there, over the bathroom sink, dressed in the black and blue pajamas that Edward had picked out for me, I stared intently at myself in the large vanity mirror, and wondered why I would associate the comfort of my simple routines with Jim, of all people.


After a minute, I still didn’t have an answer to my internal question, so I tore my gaze away from my pale reflection and proceeded to put another blue strip of paste on the bristles of my toothbrush, then began the same task for the third time in a row tonight.


I brushed in long, sideways strokes. I scrubbed in fast, little circles. I massaged the soft bristles over my pink gums. I ran the brush along the ridges in the roof of my mouth and across the flat width of my tongue, both over and under. After rinsing off my toothbrush, I needed to rinse out my mouth, so I cupped my hands under the running faucet and brought the water to my lips. I swirled it around in my mouth, swishing the cool liquid in between my teeth and tongue, then spit it out. With a new mouthful of lukewarm water, I gargled it in the back of my throat, and spit again. After repeating this twice more, I broke out the mouthwash, finishing my teeth cleaning ritual with a thirty second gargle of some good ol’ Crest pro-health plus whitening rinse.


Satisfied with the clean, tingly feeling in my mouth, I dried my hands and face, then grabbed my hairbrush off the counter. Slowly fingering the plastic bristles of my brush, I became lost in thought and felt sadness start to creep in when I realized that Edward wasn’t here to brush my hair tonight. Apprehension began to join my sadness when I remembered why he wasn’t here right now.


Something was definitely going on with him. As much as I didn’t want to even think of the possibility of him being overwhelmed with stress at his new situation…at the things that I am putting him through, I know that it is most likely the reason for his recent behavior. Why he had been hot tempered and rough with the girls at different times today. Why he couldn’t bare to be in my half-naked presence without being overcome with his more primal instincts to treat me as if I am simply his prey, as opposed to the love of his immortal life.


After a minute I cheered up though, because I knew that he would be back soon. And when he came back, he wouldn’t be all vampy anymore, he would be my Edward. And my Edward would insist that, before he lets me lay down to go to sleep, he needs to sit behind me on the king-sized bed, and pull me back to his chest for a snuggle, while he slowly and methodically runs the brush through my long hair for a good ten to fifteen minutes, so that I don‘t ‘get sick‘ from going to sleep with wet hair. I smiled, knowing that he would be determined to do this, using that lame ‘sick’ excuse, and he wouldn’t give much thought as to whether I actually wanted my hair brushed. He would just do it anyway.


But his insistence in this matter is completely unnecessary, because I would never give any protests, or try to deny him the pleasure of simply brushing my hair. He seems to enjoy it immensely, and I harbor a secret love for the mundane act, as well.


I started brushing out my damp hair then, trying my best to have patience and work gently through the occasional tangle, wishing it was Edward brushing my hair instead, and remembering how each and every gentle stroke, done by his hand, always relaxes me while giving me those tiny, subtle goose bumps that cause me to shiver with pleasure.


I put the brush down on the counter when I was done, and opened the bathroom door, only to find Alice standing there…waiting for me.


“Hi Bella,” she said through a smile.


I gave her a weak smile back. “Hey Alice, what’s up?” I asked while walking around her and towards the bedroom door.


An odd noise started subtly ringing out from somewhere in the room before I could get far though. I abruptly stopped my steps and started looking around the room, trying to figure out where that noise was coming from.


“That would be Edward,” Alice informed me as my eyes drifted over to the dresser, landing on a small black and blue phone.


It’s your tricked out new phone, Bell. Edward got it for you when we went to the store to get my wicked new Ipod Marie told me.


Alice gracefully skipped over to the bed and plopped down, laying sideways across it while keeping her sharp eyes on me. I went over to…my new phone, apparently, and unplugged it from the charger cord, watching as the screen lit up with every ring. I was able to press the talk button after the fourth windchime sound that the ringer had been set on.


“Hello?”


“Hello, beautiful,” Edward’s voice came through the tiny receiver, caressing me in it’s velvety goodness.


I smiled and breathed out a relieved sigh, “Hey…”


“Are you smiling?” he asked, and I could tell from his voice that he was smiling as well.


I laughed a little at his correct assumption. “Yes,” I admitted shyly.


“Aw, love, you have a beautiful smile. I wish I was there to see it,” he said wistfully.


“So come home,” I suggested softly.


Edward, I miss you Isabella’s voice chimed in out of nowhere.


“In a little bit, sweetheart,” he placated before he asked, “So, do you like your new phone?”


“Um…I actually just saw it when it started ringing. It looks nice, I like this pretty shade of blue. I still have to play around with it, though…” I trailed off.


“Mm-hmmm,” he hummed in agreement.


I sighed and bit my lip after a few seconds of silence. “Edward, I miss you,” I admitted.


I heard him sigh. After a minute, he spoke softly, “Bella…I’m sorry I had to leave like that. I didn’t want to, but it became necessary,” he told me. When I didn’t say anything in response, he asked, “Do you understand, baby?”


“Yes,” I reassured him.


“Good. I just wanted to call and see what you were doing…and I miss you too, love.”


I nodded, but then realized he couldn’t see me. “Will you be home soon?” I asked hopefully.


“Yes, I should be there within the next hour, or so…”


I smiled, glad that he hadn’t gone far and would be home soon. “Okay.”


“Did you already brush your hair?” he asked then, curiousity laced in his tone.


I laughed then, I couldn’t help it. I knew that question was coming. “Yesss…I just got done, actually,” I admitted.


“Bella,” he playfully admonished me with a smile in his voice. “You silly girl, that’s my job,” he insisted with mock indignation.


“Aw, poor baby,” I teased.


“I wanna brush it…” he said softly and I could hear the slight pout in his voice.


“I know, honey. You can before I go to bed. I promise,” I assured him.


“That‘s right, I can,“ he agreed, overly sure of himself all of a sudden.


I rolled my eyes.


“What are you going to do while I’m gone, love?” he inquired.


I shrugged and walked over to the bed. “Ohhhh…I dunno,” I offered in a sigh as I flopped down on my stomach, next to Alice.


She absentmindedly started trailing her cold little fingers through my hair as I dangled my feet in the air, slowly kicking them back and forth. I grabbed Edward’s pillow and started softly running my fingertips along it’s fabric, subtly inhaling his lingering scent that still clung to the cotton.


“You should play that new Mario game that I bought for you...” he trailed off suggestively.


I grinned, and felt excitement start to creep in as I gasped out, “You got me the MarioKart game?!” I replied, maybe a little too enthusiastically.


I heard his laugh. “That got my girl to smile, huh?” he asked.


“Yesssss,” I giggled.


“Mmm, I’m glad,” he said softly.


“It’s gonna be so fun,” I said brightly.


“You’re going to have to show me how to play it when I get home, baby,” he told me.


I nodded. “Yeah, okay. I will,” I assured him.


I heard Edward’s sigh into the phone before he murmured, “Hmm…I love you, Bella.”


I bit my lip and mumbled, “Love you, too…thank you for the phone and the game, Edward,” I said shyly.


“Aw…you’re welcome, love. Anything…anything you want, you can have,” he assured me.


“I know,” I said quietly.


“What is it, baby?” Edward asked in concern, noticing how I had gone from excited giggles to shy mumblings in a matter of seconds.


“Nothin…”


“Bella,” he said my name softly, but even I could hear the hint of warning in his voice. He wanted the truth and didn’t like it when I hid things from him.


“It’s nothing, Edward. I just miss you,” I assured him quickly.


“I miss you too,” his voice lightening again, satisfied with my answer.


We were both quiet then, and I began to wonder whether or not I really should voice my concerns to Edward. Not just about his odd behavior, but also why, exactly, I needed him to continue keeping the girls in line for me because of what they are capable of. He’s been doing great at getting the job done, but maybe…I don’t know, maybe he could like, lighten up a little bit? If things get to be too stressful for him, he could go for a walk, or something. Maybe he could get the family to help out more…if they even want to, that is. Or, maybe he could ask Esme for some parenting advice. I’m sure she’s got all kinds of great tips on how to not take your anger out on the kids.


“We need to talk when you get home,” I blurted out before I could stop myself, or back down.


He was quiet for a second, obviously not expecting me to say that, before he relented and confirmed in a quiet, but serious voice, “Yes. We do.”


I nodded. I knew he would have things that he wanted to discuss with me, but I’m not sure if he knew that I had some things to discuss with him, as well.


“Yeah…” I trailed off.


He sighed. “I’ll see you soon, love,” he said softly.


“Okay, I love you.”


“I love you too, baby.”


“Bye Edward.”


“Bye, my Bella,” I heard him whisper before the click sounded in my ear, officially ending the call.


I flipped my new phone closed and set it down beside me on the bed, then turned to look at Alice.


“Hi,” I mumbled, sadly.


Alice rolled her eyes and smiled at me, before hugging herself to my side, shaking me a bit. “Cheer up, Bella!”


I smiled. “Alright, alright,” I relented half-heartedly.


“That’s the spirit,” she said brightly.


She let go of her hug-hold that she had on me then, and layed back down on her side. I looked up at her and sighed, then asked quietly, “Ali, what am I gonna do?”


She frowned slightly, probably upset that her perkiness hadn’t really cheered me up like it usually did. “It will be okay, Bella,” she assured me softly.


I rolled my eyes and smirked. “Yeah right…”


“It will,” she insisted. “I’ve seen it Bella,” she told me before quieting her voice to a whisper. “I know what you have to tell him about your girls, and I know that it all works out in the end,” she told me, patting my back in a comforting gesture.


I furrowed my brow. “But-”


“Just take my word for it,” she persuaded me with a small smile and a nod.


I hesitated, but relented with a nod of my own. The second I decided to talk to Edward about his odd behavior and my alternate’s violent nature, I knew that Alice had seen the whole conversation play out, along with the ending results. So I just decided to take her word for it.


Alice suggested that we go downstairs and hang out for a bit then, because apparently, I had been spending a lot of time cooped up in my new bedroom. I agreed, liking the sound of that, and followed Alice down the steps, leading to the living room, where the rest of my vampires were lounging at the moment. They all greeted me pleasantly as I came into the room and I took the opportunity to sit in the empty spot next to Esme, who was currently cutting out recipes from several magazines, with a huge smile on her face.


I laughed lightly at her expression. I was happy for her, because she clearly enjoyed every new opportunity that presented itself, where she got to play ’mom’, now that I was living here. She paused and wrapped her arm around my shoulder, dropping a quick, cool kiss to the top of my head.


Alice suddenly sat down at my feet and pulled out a bottle of pink nail polish from her pocket, winking up at me. I smiled ruefully at her and shook my head.


Should’a known…


I presented my bare feet to Alice as she twisted around and grabbed my Nintendo DS off of the coffee table, where it had been sitting ever since Marie left it there this afternoon. I stayed leaned into Esme’s side for a snuggle as I placed my right foot in Alice’s lap and flipped open my dark blue DS.


I was surprised to see that it was already paused on a spot in the game, where Marie had obviously left off, so I clicked the button to restart the system and began a new race, from the beginning.


After about ten minutes into my new MarioKart game, I was really enjoying myself and could feel that I had a smile on my face. My princess Peach was kickin everyone’s ass in all the races so far. This game was freakin awesome.


Told ya… Marie said in a smug voice.


I looked up from my DS then, and watched as Alice delicately put the finishing touches of clear gloss on top of the pink polish that she had painted my toenails with. I smiled at her when she looked up, feeling my gaze on her face.


“Your toes are freakin gorgeous,” she complimented.


“Thanks to you,” I complimented back.


She just nodded and when I heard Rosalie’s exclaimed, “”Fuck yeah!”, I looked up to see that she was winning the higher score in her battle with Emmett on Guitar Hero on the PS3.


“I’m just letting you win, baby,” he told her as he began pressing the buttons on his black, plastic guitar at a hurried pace.


“In your fuckin dreams, monkey man,” she retorted, bringing the tip of her pink guitar in the air, allowing her to score more points at that particular spot in the game.


I rolled my eyes at their playful banter, and looked back to Alice. She wasn’t looking at me though…her rapt attention was focused on Jasper, who was sitting in the recliner across the room, with his nose stuck in a book. I recognized it as one from his huge collection of war/military strategy books. I noticed how a smirk began to grow on Jasper’s mouth and I knew that he could sense Alice’s stare, but he was ignoring her on purpose. I looked back to Alice and giggled at her love struck stare. She tore her transfixed gaze away from her southern lover then, and focused back on me.


“You know the drill, chick. Wait until they dry before you start walking around,” she reminded me.


I nodded. “Yeah, I’m just gonna sit here and chill out with my favorite mom,” I said lightly while nudging Esme’s shoulder a bit with my own.


Esme looked at me and smiled, then turned her attention back to her recipe activity. I let my eyes drift to the coffee table then, and put my DS down on it. I shook my head as I stared at the piled collection of recipes that Esme had gathered so far, all of which were sitting on the coffee table.


A few seconds later, Alice stood from her spot by my feet and stuck her trusty bottle of pink polish back into the side pocket of her designer jeans, then pranced right on over to Jasper, intertwining her fingers with his as she knocked the book off of his lap and placed herself in it’s spot, instead.


He smiled up at her, before pressing his lips to hers, and wrapped his arms around her small form, bringing her into his chest for a cuddle as they turned their attention to the lover’s battle going on in front of the big screen right now.


Emmett and Rosalie kept topping each other out with their scores, neither of them staying in first place for long. I found myself anticipating who was going to actually win the game, as time went on.


But then Carlisle walked into the room.


EPOV


As I hurried back to the house, I could begin to hear my Bella’s heart beat in the distance and I smiled, focusing on it and letting the comforting sound, that is the center of my universe, further relax me, filling me with the assurance that I would be back in her presence any minute now.


I felt terrible for why I had to leave so abruptly earlier. I felt weak…yet, animalistic in my raw desire for her blood. That desire, while always present, is almost always tamed by my combined efforts in staying well-fed and maintaining my self-control. It’s obvious to me now, that today’s events have caused me an immense amount of stress, making my normally strong barriers, that I have built between myself and the inner-demon, start to chip away, allowing my primal predator to peek through the cracks in my slowly fading control.


Hearing more about my Bella’s childhood terrors this morning during her therapy session was enough to put me in a somber mood for the rest of the day. My worry and anxiety were already spiked throughout the day, due to my Bella still being sick with a cold and an occasional fever. Then, Marie’s attempt with larceny at the store this afternoon…thinking of all the possible outcomes that her ‘bad habit’ could have caused, was enough to ignite my rage, and I was only barely able to contain it before I began correcting her behavior in the back seat of my car. And as for my little Isabella…Marie’s stories in the car about her and hearing her odd threats of violence toward Jacob filled me with apprehension. Her first period followed soon after, and it caused her to be confused and distressed, which in turn, caused me even more stress. And then there was her insistence on my ‘ownership’ over her, causing her to further test me in the bathroom, and by that point in the day, I was just fed up and didn’t think before I chose to correct her behavior while she was naked in the bathtub, which kind of contradicts her rule of not being naked in front of people. That whole episode probably served to confuse her even more. I really should have waited until after she was out of the tub and dressed, to deal with her little lie and ridiculous temper tantrum.


Despite my best intentions of staying faithful in my promise to my Bella to keep the girls in line, I couldn’t seem to stop myself from hurting them today, by taking a few punishments a bit overboard. The fact still remains though; while I realize that I could have handled certain things a little differently, I do not feel guilty about any of my actions. At all.


My Bella and her two alternates are beginning to bring something out in me that I don’t know how to deal with. Something that is definitely apart of my true nature as a vampire…something sick that enjoys the sweet scent of her adrenaline and the sounds of her cries.


I internally cringed at my thoughts. I can never let that sadistic part of me take over when it comes to my precious Bella. I can’t ever entertain the idea that her pain might bring me pleasure. I resolved to work harder at maintaining my composure in times of chaos. I have to remain in control and calm at all times, no matter what. I have to, somehow, be better for my girls.


After being able to get out of the house and clear my head while feeding on a sufficient amount of blood, I am relieved to know that I can cage the beast once again, and think rationally. And I realize now, that yes…I have been harsh with my girls today. All three of them. That’s probably what my Bella was referring to when I had talked to her on the phone. She had said, ’we need to talk’, and I had agreed, knowing that we had many things to discuss.


But now that I think about it, Isabella and Marie have probably already filled her in, and my poor Bella is most likely really confused right now. I can only imagine what she must be thinking…seeing those ‘memory flashes’ that she had told me about, in her mind, of me spanking her naked ass while she cries for me to stop had to be upsetting, to say the least.


And then, after her shower…I had practically attacked her when she was only giving me soft caresses and a comforting kiss, in response to my whining about how much I had missed her. She had stiffened and tried her best to be a good girl, holding completely still, while I worked to tame the lustful beast within. But with every soft-spoken word that fell from her pink lips, and every rosy blush that lit her creamy skin, making her glow for me, she risked the possibility of me biting her.


She was reacting to my words all wrong, taking them as a sexual innuendo, instead of the warning that I had intended them to be. I was going to have to talk to her about that. She obviously likes the idea of me fucking her up against the wall, and while that little scenario does prove to be intensely enticing to me, it’s not something that will likely happen in the near future. Apparently, my actions with her last night have gotten her slightly confused. While we can continue in what many people would call ‘foreplay’; I am more than willing to explore my Bella’s beautiful body with my hands and mouth...intercourse is to remain off the table. Not open for discussion. It is something entirely different, and something incredibly dangerous to her frail, human body…she should know this by now. And she'd better not tempt me like that again.


An argument in the distance abruptly interrupted me out of my reverie.


“Yes,” Carlisle’s voice insisted.


“No,” my girl’s light and child-like voice insisted right back.


Isabella.


Well, it looks like my talk with Bella is going to have to wait.


I picked up my pace and watched, through Carlisle’s mind, what was going on in our house at the moment. It appeared that he and Esme were alone in the living room with my little girl, and Isabella was currently standing on the couch, lightly stepping from cushion to cushion, before she climbed over the back of it and slid down, until her feet touched the floor. She was clearly taking the opportunity to climb on things tonight.


“Isabella, don’t you think it’s a bit late?” he asked in a gentle, bedside manner tone of voice.


Isabella shook her head, silently telling him ’no’, and walked around to the front of the couch again, then climbed on and stood up, stepping around to walk on the cushions once more.


“I think it is,” he told her.


“Huh-uh, I think it’s not,” she insisted around the lollipop in her mouth and bounced a little on a cushion.


“Yes. It is,” he stated with finality in his voice now.


She paused her subtle bouncing to pull the sucker out of her mouth and shoot him a glare. “I said it’s not,” she argued.


“It’s past your bedtime, Isabella,” he informed her.


“You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not the boss of me,” she said before sticking her lollipop back in her mouth for an extra hard suck that hollowed out her pink cheeks.


I rolled my eyes and jumped over the river behind our house then, quickly bounding up the steps to the front door of my house. I could read Carlisle’s frustrated thoughts as I walked into the room and saw Isabella standing on the couch, making herself appear taller while simultaneously staring Carlisle down in an obvious effort to intimidate him. It wasn’t working, of course, but it was adorable how she tried.


“Isabella,” I called her name gently, getting her attention.


She turned to look at me, and a beautiful smile spread across her face. She jumped on her cushion a bit, excited to see me, and giggled out, “My Edward…”


I walked over to her with a small smile of my own. I loved how she missed me so much while I was away hunting these past two times, and she had always been so happy to see me when I returned.


I hooked my hands under her shoulders and brought her over to sit on my hip, so that she wouldn’t be standing on Esme’s furniture anymore. She wrapped her arms tightly around my neck and kissed my cheek with a small smile, before I kissed her forehead and gently informed her that Carlisle was right.


“It is past your bed time, baby girl,” I said, looking at the cable box clock and realizing that it was 2:12 in the morning.


She kept her left arm around the back of my neck and held her lollipop in her right hand. “When is bed time, Edward?” she asked curiously.


I sighed, not really having a definite answer for her. I was going to have to come up with a reasonable bed time for her too. That was just another thing that I could add to my list of mistakes in neglectful parenting. I had forgotten to set a simple bedtime for my little girl, depriving her of the routine and structure that I knew she so desperately needed.


“Um…anytime before midnight, really. I’ll give you a specific time tomorrow night,” I told her.


“Kay.”


“So why aren’t you in bed?” I asked.


“Bella was waitin for you…we missed you, Edward. Where’d you go? To eat again?” she asked curiously.


I nodded. “Mm-hmm…” I hummed in reply, not wanting to elaborate any further for my five year old.


I’ve come to the realization that she hasn’t exactly figured out what we are yet.


“How come? You don’t like peanut butter and jellies?” she asked, her already soft, high-pitched voice going up another octave with her inquiry.


I chuckled at her adorably confused expression. It‘s like the idea of anyone not liking those odd sandwiches was completely absurd to her.


“No baby, I don’t.”


She nodded and sucked on her bottom lip for a second, contemplating this new revelation of my dislike for 'peanut butter and jellies'.


“Hmmm…so what did you go eat?”


“Uhm…” I started to try and figure out how to answer that, but she cut me off before I could come up with anything even remotely convincing.


“Was it yummy?”


Hardly.


I nodded. “Yeah, baby. It was yummy.”


“Kay,” she said lightly.


"Edward, see my pretty twinkle toes?" she asked brightly while extending a foot out for my to see her freshly painted toenails.


I nodded. "Yes, very pretty..." I complimented and ran a cool fingertip over her adorable big toe.


She giggled and twirled the lollipop inside her mouth a bit, bringing my attention back onto it.


“And why do you have a lolly right now, angel?” I asked.


She shrugged and blushed, probably just now remembering her rule about that. “B’cuz I fell down and got a owwie…your mommy said that I could have one if I was a big girl and stopped cryin,” she told quietly.


My eyes widened and bit and I unconsciously tightened my hold on Isabella at her declaration.


She had been hurt while I was gone?


“Where’s your owwie?” I asked her softly, in concern.


Aaaand I can't believe that 'owwie' has become apart of my daily vocabulary.


She raised her bent elbow up for me to see, then pointed to an area where I could see a small bruise already beginning to form. “Right there…” she mumbled around her candy.


I gently grasped her arm in my hand and brought it to my mouth to place a gentle kiss on Isabella’s elbow. I lightly ran my cool thumb over the bruised area and shot Esme a look that told her I was clearly not happy with her undermining my authority with my little girl. She wasn’t supposed to have any sugar after brushing her teeth before bed. Now, she was clearly too hyper to even think about going to sleep, and it was already after two in the morning.


Esme just shrugged and gave me a small smile, her thoughts telling me that she wasn’t apologetic at all, only happy that she could cheer Isabella up and dry her tears with the bribe of one of her precious lollipops.


I contemplated how this might be a problem…Esme playing the doting mother who constantly spoils the child at every turn. I don’t care if she caters to Isabella, just as long as it doesn’t interfere with what I am trying to accomplish with her, or go against Isabella’s simple rules. Like, no candy before bed, for example.


I decided to leave it alone for now, but it was a discussion that we were going to end up having sooner, rather than later.


Isabella kicked her legs out a bit and kissed my cheek. “Edward, I missed you,” she told me.


I brought her arm back down to her side and pressed my cool lips to her rosy cheek in return. “I’m here now, baby girl,” I placated her.


She nodded.


“I heard what you said to Carlisle,” I added, wanting to address this subject while it was still fresh in her mind.


“Hmm?” she hummed at me with a furrowed brow.


“You do need to listen to him-” I started before she cut me off with a shake of her head.


“Huh-uh, Edward…I don’t belong to him. I’m your’s,” she insisted, putting a soft finger to my chest.


I nodded. “That’s right Isabella. You are mine, but you need to listen to him when I’m not here. If he says that it’s time for bed, angel…then, it’s time for bed.”


She furrowed her brow in confusion at me for a few seconds, then started looking between me and Carlisle a couple of times, before she chose to voice her silent thoughts.


“So he’s my sitter when you go good-bye-byes without me?” she asked curiously while pointing a finger at Carlisle.


Huh…I guess he would be like a babysitter. Weird.


I nodded and hummed in agreement. “Mm-hmm…him, or Esme.”


She dropped her hand back down to her side and huffed. “But Edward, his hair…” she muttered a desperate protest to me.


I immediately shook my head. “No. I don’t want to hear anymore of this ‘ugly yellow hair’ business, Isabella,” I told her in a firm tone.


She looked me in the eye then, and whispered sadly, “But the peoples with yellow hair don’t like me, Edward.”


I softened my gaze at her sad expression. “That’s not true, baby,” I told her in a softly. “Carlisle likes you…very much,” I assured her.


He loves you like a daughter I thought to myself, but I didn’t tell Isabella that. It would only confuse her further.


Isabella didn’t respond, though. She just furrowed her brow at me, then proceeded to turn her head and stare at Carlisle for seventeen seconds before she laid her head down on my shoulder.


I scooted Isabella’s body off of my hip and over to my front, then walked over to the same recliner, in the far corner of the room, that I had rocked Isabella in the other day, after her first therapy session with Carlisle had ended. I slowly sat down in it, with those same intentions I had had before. She kept her legs straddled on either side of me and her head stayed lax on my shoulder. I placed my hand on her back, just below her shoulder blades, keeping our chests pressed together as I started the subtle rocking motion of the chair.


She needed to go to sleep, and I was going to try my best to remedy that need for her as soon as possible.


Everything was quiet in the dimly lit room, and soon, Isabella replaced that lollipop in her mouth with her thumb. I held that half eaten candy by it’s stick, out to Esme, and she took it from me, throwing it in the trash can by the kitchen.


I continued the slow rocking motion for my little girl, in hopes that she would be asleep soon. She wasn’t quite there yet, but she was quiet and her breathing was beginning to even out between her tired sighs.


Edward… Carlisle thought to me.


My eyes immediately shot over to his, and I had a grateful look on my face. I was glad he was choosing this method of communication so that I could keep the atmosphere quiet and calm for my little girl’s belated bed time.


She was still fidgeting slightly and sighing occasionally when Carlisle’s continued our conversation via his thoughts and my whispers at vampire frequency.


I spoke with Bella this evening for a while, before Isabella abruptly showed up, effectively cutting off our conversation. I think we were getting a little too close for comfort to a sore spot for her. She seems to absolutely refuse to talk about who it was that she hurt and eventually killed. Isabella is the reason that Bella became a murderer at the tender age of eight…


“I know.”


I tightened my hold on Isabella when she made a soft whimpering noise. I did not like where this conversation was heading.


Bella told me of her concerns, Edward. She is worried about you and your ability to handle the common stresses of being a new parent. She has seen both Isabella and Marie’s memories, and believes that you may have taken your anger out on her more than once today. While she is understanding of your new emotions associated with your current situation, she suggested that you allow the family to help out more. She wanted to know if you were getting any help from us, and I was truthful with her, letting her know that the only one who has contributed was Jasper, and even then, it was only with his talents, and from afar.


I furrowed my brow. What was my Bella thinking? I don’t need any damn help. Bella is my mate, my responsibility. I can handle a moody teenager and a naughty five year old, for Christ sakes…no fucking problem. I don’t need any damn ‘help‘.


Now Edward, I know what you’re thinking. But be reasonable…from what I understand, all new parents go through this. And while that is not exactly what you are, you are playing that role with her alternates, especially when it comes to Isabella. And you can’t stop with the discipline, that is absolutely not an option. Bella needs you now, more than ever, to exercise your authority over the girls.


That’s when Carlisle showed me his perfectly recalled memory of his conversation with my Bella this evening. In his mind’s eye, her facial features spanned from worried, to relieved, to apprehensive, to sad and maybe even a bit nervous. She spoke of many things…I watched as she told Carlisle of her concerns about both me, and her alternates.


She asked questions…about the family’s contribution, and about how I was coping with it all.


She told him of her suggestions…that I should take breaks, even if it’s just to send them outside to play in the back yard for a bit. Anything to separate myself from a stressful situation.


She spoke of the memories that the girls had shown her while she was in the shower…those memories being solely of their spankings today.


She said that she was both confused and worried about my actions towards her after her shower, and said that it brought back memories of our early relationship. She didn’t want to have to go through my acclimation phases again.


She missed me.


It wasn’t long before she started on the subject of her alternates and what she called their ‘true nature’. Their violent thoughts and fantasies…Marie’s dangerous game of baiting men, only to lure them to a painful fate of torture at her very capable hands. She revealed that she owned a can of mace and a pair of brass knuckles for the sole purpose of these ‘games‘.


The subject quickly changed over to Isabella as she described her five-year old alternate’s very possessive and jealous nature…she told Carlisle of her school days and how Isabella caused big problems for her. Isabella didn’t want my Bella to have any friends due to her dislike for people in general, yet she was insanely jealous of the children who did have friends. She would hurt and torture fellow classmates on the playground…because they either teased my Bella with silly names…or, they just simply appeared to be happy in their home life. When Carlisle had asked more in-depth questions, such as who Isabella had hurt, and how, my Bella would respond, but appeared to be very uncomfortable the entire time. I noticed how her eyes began to repeatedly blink, and I knew then, that Isabella was trying to come into awareness to prevent any further discussion in the matter. When Carlisle asked the magic question of, ‘who did Isabella kill’, my little girl quickly won that ‘awareness battle’ with Bella, and immediately shot Carlisle a cold glare, telling him that it was ‘none of his fucking business’ before she suggested that he ‘take his ugly yellow hair back to his room and go fuck himself’.


Lovely.


Carlisle continued speaking through his thoughts when his memory with Bella had finished playing out.


But she also needs you to keep in mind how sensitive, confused, and broken they are. You have to be able to take a step back, away from the situation, and let somebody else handle it for you. Go for a walk, or a drive…just something to separate yourself from a stressful situation before you let your emotions take control and you end up taking all that anger out on your mate. Believe me…you will end up regretting it. I know the idea of needing any kind of help with her, is repulsive to you right now, but if you let us, your family, play a more active role in Bella’s situation, you will not be disappointed with the results. You’ll find yourself relieved that you can take a break every once in a while, instead of constantly being weighed down with the burden of your new responsibilities.


I gave him a slight glare. “My girls are not a burden.”


He shook his head. That’s not what I’m saying, and you know it. Take a step down from defensive mode, Edward, and just listen to what I am saying. We are your family. We love both you, and Bella. We want to help.


I relaxed my shoulders and nodded at him, softening my features when I read the genuine feelings associated with his thoughts.


I could do it…if this is what my Bella suggests, then I can at least try. I could relax my ever-present protective mode over my mate, and let my family in…I could let them help.


But that’s all they would be doing - helping. They would not try to ‘help’ me in my role as an authority figure for my three girls. That is my job, and mine alone. I better not ever catch any of them raising a hand to my girl. I don’t even want them yelling at her.


Those hypothetical thoughts only served to fill me with an incredible amount of anger, causing my ingrained and uncontrollable need to protect my mate flare up. I found myself tightening my already snug hold on Isabella, who was just seconds away from unconsciousness at the moment, by the way.


I could do this. For my Bella. I would do anything for her.


My beautiful Bella.


My broken Bella...


I sighed.


So, okay…I would let my family help.


I would force myself to walk away when things prove to be too stressful.


And I would let my family take over for me, until I could get myself under control, so that I don‘t end up doing anything that I will end up regretting later on.


I will let my family help me.


Hmm…

Maybe.