39. Mistakes & A Hidden Addiction

BPOV

I woke up to hushed whispers and the occasional soft growl. I furrowed my brow and opened my eyes to see the soft golden hues of the comforter that was surrounding me. I recognized the slight growl from earlier as Edward's, so I moved the covers away from my face and sat up slowly, wanting to see him and find out what was going on.


As soon as I made a move to sit up, Edward's eyes quickly flashed over to mine. At my worried, and I'm sure, bleary, stare, he smiled softly at me. I loved his trademark, crooked smile. It was my rock a lot of the time. Usually, whenever I'm upset, or worried about something, all Edward has to do is smile at me in that sexy, yet reassuring kind of way, and all my previous worries would be forgotten.


He was standing there with Alice, slightly blocking her view of me while they continued their silent conversation. Edward never took his eyes off me. I furrowed my brow at him in confusion. What was going on? And why wouldn't he let Alice walk around him to come to me?


Then Alice spoke at a normal volume so that I could hear their conversation too, now that I was awake.


"She's my friend! I want to hang out with her! I got to do her toes last night, but her fingernails are still nakedly bare," she informed him exasperatedly.


"Now what the hell kind of friend would I be, if I let her walk around like that? Huh? She's half-done! Unacceptable," she stated with finality.


I rolled my eyes and plopped back down on the bed.


Oh, Lord.


"Alice, she was sleeping. She just woke up. Leave. Her. Alone. Take your nail polish somewhere else," he told her.


She growled. "No! Just because-"


"For fifteen goddamn minutes!" he yelled, interrupting her with a snarl.


"Fine!" she yelled right back through gritted teeth, then turned around in a huff and stomped out of the room.


Ah, sibling rivalry at it's best…


As soon as I heard Alice's signature door slam, I felt the bed dip beside me, letting me know that Edward was now laying next to me. I turned my face towards him and opened my eyes. I saw his beautifully pale face…his messy bronze hair, his strong, defined jaw. He had such amazingly golden eyes. I could tell that he had recently fed…and, very well, apparently. Those golden orbs were practically glowing. He was smiling down at me…and I felt my heart melt in content as a warm feeling grew in my belly. He was always smiling at me like that. In that special, adoring kind of way. His cool fingers began their usual decent into my long hair and traveled along bare arms, then. I stared up into his bright, golden eyes and gave him a small smile.


I couldn't help but be a little upset though. We still needed to talk. That lil quickie-convo that we had just before I lost awareness again, was not a discussion. I wish that we could leave it at that, and I'm sure Edward does as well, but I didn't even get to talk. When I had tried to, he cut me off with another one of his deliciously fuckhott kisses. He's really good at distracting me.


"Hello, beautiful," he said quietly, then gave the tip of my nose a frosty kiss.


He does that a lot. Kissing my nose…I think he's a bit obsessed with it.


"Hmmm…hi, Edward," I said quietly, then looked away from his penetrating stare.


"What's wrong?" he asked with concern.


I sighed. He could always read me like an open book. While I liked his perceptiveness most of the time, sometimes it really got on my nerves. It never gave me a chance to sort of hide things from him until I could think them through myself, so that I was more prepared for certain discussions. Like, now for example. I have no idea how to start this conversation.


You have been overreacting. You are hording me away from other people, including your family. Why? When you go into emotional overdrive and become stressed, you take it out on me. Are you sure you can handle this? Can you deal with a crazy girlfriend? Is it too much…too hard? Are you going to stay? Don't leave me…I'll die.


I sighed, still not knowing where to start. But apparently I had said something, because when I turned my gaze back to Edward, I saw that he was now looking at me incredulously. Like, he looked slightly speechless.


Great.


What the fuck did I just say?


You said 'Are you going to stay? Don't leave me. I'll die.' Nice one, doll. Freak him the fuck out, why don't ya Marie remarked cheekily.


"What?" Edward whispered to me.


"Umm…" I mumbled.


"No," his voice rushed out the one word in a tone that rang with finality.


His teeth snapped suddenly, and he was still peering down at me. Except that those golden eyes were no longer soft and bright. Blacks specks were beginning to filter in and now they was sort of glaring at me.


Shit.


I started sitting up, and he sat up with me. We were sitting side my side and I glanced at him as I blew out a long breath through slightly pursed lips. I was still trying to figure out how to start this conversation.


You already started it Marie reminded me.


Right.


I had to figure out a way to fix it.


"Edw-" I started, but he interrupted me, causing me to cringe at his sharp tone.


"Bella, I never want to hear you talk like that again. Do you hear me? I'm not going to fucking leave and you are not going to fucking die. Goddamn it! I can't believe you just said that! What, are you suicidal now, too?! Christ, Bella...there's only so much I can take -" he said with desperation and anger laced in his tone before I interrupted his little speech.


I needed to stop him before he got too carried away.


"No," I told him, my tone sounding calm and quiet next to his frantic one.


"No, what?" he asked.


I shook my head. "No…I'm not suicidal," I told him, looking into his eyes so that he could see the truth in my words.


He exhaled a sharp breath. I saw him swallow a few times before he spoke again. "Where did that come from, then? Huh? Bella, what's wrong? You need to tell me. Right fucking now," he demanded, his words quick and rushed.


He always talked fast when he was losing his composure. When he was upset, he often failed at keeping up with his pretend 'human facade'. He would slip back into his natural habits, and everything would be sped up...his speech, his actions, everything.


I shrugged quietly. I didn't want him to react like that; with anger and panic...and rushed words. Just from his reaction alone, I could tell how high-strung he really was.


"Are you stressed out?" I asked curiously in a quiet voice.


"What the hell kind of question is that?!" he snapped, causing me to jump.


Ohhhh no…no, Edward. No fucking yelling at my pretty Bell Marie voice admonished him in a soft, clear voice from inside my head.


Like he can fucking hear you.


Doll, he will hear me LOUD and fucking CLEAR if I have to come out there she warned.


Don't! I need to talk to him. I need to straighten things out. Just fucking chill for now, Marie. Please.


Edward was speaking again before I could concentrate on any response that she might have given me.


"Of course, I'm fucking stressed out! The love of my life practically hinted around the possibility of her being suicidal," he stated exasperatedly.


I shook my head. "No…before, Edward. Before I said that, were you really stressed?" I asked, keeping my voice as calm and quiet as possible, despite how upset he was beginning to make me. I didn't like being yelled at. If he didn't quit, the tears were going to start and it would be all his damn fault.


"Yes."


I nodded. "Why?" I asked curiously.


He stared at me in disbelief for a second, before he got up and began pacing the floor at the foot of the bed. I watched in silence and scooted down to the edge of the bed. His pacing gradually became faster, until soon he was just a little more than a white blur, appearing at one end of the room, then the next. It had been two minutes and he still hadn't responded to me.


It's true. He really is too stressed out…he can't handle it I thought with a sniffle.


His pacing abruptly stopped at the sound of my quiet sniffle and he stared at me. I averted my gaze away from his penetrating, angry eyes and let a single teardrop fall.


"Stop crying," he told me.


I shrugged, silently telling him that I couldn't just turn it off like a damn faucet.


I looked up at him through blurry, watery eyes. "Why aren't you talking to me?" I whispered.


He sighed and roughly ran his hands through his hair in a frustrated gesture. "Sorry. I needed to calm down and I could tell that I was upsetting you with my words and sharp tone, but I just couldn't help myself. I needed to focus on Jasper's talent and absorb his calm before I spoke to you again," he informed me.


I nodded and sniffled again. I quickly wiped at my slightly runny nose with the back of my hand and mumbled, "Makes sense…"


He came to sit by me on the edge of the bed then. He turned his face to the side to gaze at me for a second and run his cool thumb over my cheek, wiping away the two tears that had fallen. He sighed and looked back into my eyes while he spoke.


"Bella…yes. Yes I was stressed out," he admitted reluctantly.


I nodded and he looked away, turning his gaze down to his hands that lay on his lap.


"This morning, I had to listen to you speak about your past. I hate that. I can't erase those things from my memory, no matter how I hard I try, or how much I may want to. I will always remember the words that you speak in that room," he explained quietly.


I reached out my hand and put it on top of his. He turned his palm up and laced our fingers together as he continued to speak.


"It pains me…immensely, to know that I wasn't there to stop that shit from happening to you. You are my mate. And I failed you. I didn't protect you when you needed me the most. Apparently, I've been lacking in that department. A lot," he insisted with a nod.


Before I could even attempt to object to that statement, he continued on.


"I wasn't around, when you were a little girl, to save you from that monster, and I wasn't around for seven months, to save you from other monsters. One of my kind, who, apparently never stopped her epic search for you, and other monsters…of the wolf kind," he finished looking back into my eyes.


His were set in determination as he spoke again. "But that's not going to happen anymore. I will not neglect my responsibilities with you anymore. You are the most important thing in the world to me. You are mine. My mate. Bella, nobody will ever hurt you again. Nobody will fucking touch you. No vampire. No werewolf. No human," he said with strong conviction.


I nodded with wide eyes in response. "Edward…I think that's where this little problem stems from," I told him quietly.


He furrowed his brow. "What problem? I don't have a problem," he insisted.


I squeezed his hand a bit and gave him a small smile. "Your inability to let others…even your family interact with me now," I told him lightly.


"I let them interact-" he started, but I cut him off with a small shake of my head.


"Not unless you're in the room with us, honey," I said.


He was quiet then, contemplating the truth in my statement.


"I've seen the girls' memories, Edward. I know that the few times when they have interacted with the family, you were there also," I pointed out.


At his stare, I quickly assured him, "It's not a bad thing."


He subtly nodded.


"I'm not saying that you shouldn't be there. In fact, I'm pretty sure that Isabella wants you to be there…all the time, actually" I told him, to which he nodded in response. "But…Edward, you have never had that problem before. Before all of this happened…you leaving, then me bringing you back, then both of my alternates making an appearance in everyone's lives…you were able to leave me alone with your family for an extended period of time with no problems. Alice and I would spend hours in her room, playing Bella Barbie. I would help Esme out in her garden. Carlisle would sit with me and tell me all of these amazing, and interesting stories…things of his past. Emmett would play with me. Edward, you would be gone hunting for three, sometimes four days at a time, and everything would be fine," I pointed out.


"Not anymore," he responded quickly.


I raised my eyebrows at his automatic response. "Exactly…" I said slowly.


"Bella, I'm not going to leave you for four days just to go hunt, when I could travel three hours away into the wilderness to satiate my thirst," he insisted.


I shook my head. "Honey, that's not what I'm suggesting you do. I don't want you to leave for that long," I informed him.


"I won't," he promised.


"But, Edward - the point that I'm trying to make, is that you have never had this problem before. You seem to want to keep me all to yourself. Hoard me away from others, including your family. You are so fixated on the mantra of 'she's mine, my mate, my responsibility', that you are cutting others out of our life. Other that really want to help."


He sighed and closed his eyes before he said quietly, "I'm trying, Bella. I'm trying really hard."


I squeezed his palm, silently telling him that I wanted him to look at me. When he did, I smiled reassuringly and nodded. "I know…" I whispered.


"Bella, it's very hard. It's extremely fucking hard to leave you under someone else's care right now. I…I just don't trust anyone," he told me, getting upset at his realization that he didn't trust his family.


"You are way too important to risk any of them making a mistake with you-" he started before I interrupted him.


"Edward, you've made mistakes…" I pointed out gently.


He sighed and looked at me, defeated. "I can't even leave you in Carlisle's study when you're having your sessions with him," he admitted. "I can't bare to even leave the second floor of the house. I have to stay as close to you as possible. I press my back up against that closed fucking door, and I close my eyes to focus on Carlisle's mind so that I can watch you as you talk to him. I am completely incapable of giving you any form of privacy right now. The only time we're apart is when you're in the bathroom, and even then, it's torture. Isabella's new rule - 'Bath Time Is Private Time'…" he trailed off, looking into my eyes and searching for my understanding.


I nodded for him to continue.


"I fucking hate it. I want to wash her hair. I want her to talk to me and hum me her pretty little songs while I watch her play with her toys in the bubbles," he revealed to me.


I smiled softly at him.


He seemed to hesitate before he spoke again. "Isabella has brought out a weakness in me," he revealed. "I long to take care of you, Bella. I want it. I need it. I relish in the fact that Isabella needs me for…for fucking everything. I feed her. I pick out her clothes. I clean up after her. I pick up her toys. I give her medicine when she's sick. I hold her when she cries and I kiss her owwies all better. I put her down for her naps. I've even been putting those little pads on her panties for her since you started your period," he informed me.


Aw. Did he just say 'owwies'?


I leaned in close and kissed his cheek. "You're so sweet," I whispered to him.


My Edward Isabella insisted in a soft, quiet voice.


He shook his head and looked at me a bit skeptically. "Bella, that may be, but that's not normal. I shouldn't want to take care of you as if you were a small child-" he started but I cut him off with a shake of my head.


"But you do," I insisted. "Edward, that's a very, very good thing…especially right now, in our situation. Those qualities that you possess in wanting to be my 'daddy', in a way…they help you be the way that you are with her. Which is wonderful. Isabella adores you. She needs you to remain this way and to not change a thing. Take care of her. Be happy about it, and don't be ashamed, Edward. Don't feel guilty about it, or think that it's wrong. Because if you do…? She'll be able to detect any hesitation, or regret on your part and it will damage your relationship with her. Her bond with you grows everyday. You don't want to break that," I told him.


He nodded. "Okay," he agreed.


"Edward, you need to let the family help-" I started but he cut me off.


"I said I'm trying," he snapped.


I sighed and looked away. I really didn't need him getting angry all over again. I felt him squeeze my palm so I looked back over to him.


He gave me a small smile and whispered, "Sorry."


I nodded and shrugged. "It's okay. Anyway, what I meant with 'letting the family help', is…I need you to find your trust in them again. I know that it's still there, Edward. I mean, come on…do you really think that Carlisle or Esme would ever hurt me?" I asked him skeptically.


It took him a minute, but he finally shook his head 'no'. My eyes widened at the realization that he really didn't trust them all that much anymore. It wouldn't have taken him that long to answer that simple question before.


Yeah well, he's been away from them for a while Marie reminded me.


That's right. He has been away from them…just like he was away from me. Now that he has me back, and I'm apparently 'damaged', he doesn't want to share me, or entrust my care to anyone else. A part of me sees the logic in his way of thinking. But the other part of me finds it utterly ridiculous. Esme and the others would never hurt me.


"Edward, what is it?" I asked him, needing further clarification.


"I don't want them doing my fucking job. I take care of you, and no one else," he insisted.


I nodded, trying to understand.


"It's like…I don't know, if they step in, then it would only rub it in my face that I've proved myself unable to take care of you at times. Which is completely untrue, because I can take care of you. I can, I swear it. I can handle an emotional girl, a moody teenager and a naughty five year old. No fucking problem," he stated determinedly.


I sighed. Edward was too proud for his own good. I brought our hands up to my mouth to give his knuckles a soft kiss. "Edward…" I murmured against his cold, hard flesh.


"Yeah?" he whispered.


I brought our joined hands back down to my lap and started tracing the back of his hand with a light, warm fingertip. "Your situation is an odd one, honey," I told him matter-of-factly, as I turned my head to looked back into his eyes. "Being a new parental figure…to an unruly teenager and an abused child. It's normal to get stressed…to need a break every once in a while," I said softly, keeping up my trailing finger.


He nodded.


"I need you to stop being so proud, Edward. Admit that you need help every once in a while," I told him.


His eyes widened. "I don't need-" he started in a hard voice before I interrupted him.


"Edward…" I said while giving him a disbelieving look, trying to beseech him to see my side of things.


He shook his head slowly. "I'm…" he trailed off and exhaled sharply then looked down at our joined hands. "God, Bella…I'm trying," he repeated quietly.


I nodded. "For me?"


He looked into my eyes then. "Anything for you…" he breathed out.


After a few seconds of silence and staring at our hands, he spoke again. "It's hard, Bella."


"You can start out small, honey. Like, umm…to separate yourself from a tense situation, you could just go into a different room for a bit, or you can just send the girls outside to play," I suggested.


"You are mine," he told me, seeming to ignore my suggestion.


I nodded and looked at his side profile. "I know…that's why you're going to do what's best for me," I pointed out.


He looked at me and when our eyes made contact again, he stated with conviction, "Always."


I sighed and bit my lip. "Edward?"


"Yes, love?"


"Was that the only reason you were stressed today?" I asked curiously.


He shook his head and looked out the window, stating quietly, "No…"


"Well…what happened?"


"Isabella happened," he responded.


Huh?


I furrowed my brow in confusion. "What?" I asked.


What'd you do? I asked my little alternate.


Wanna play outside Isabella responded.


That only confused me more.


He took a deep breath, leaning into my side slightly when he did. "Hmm…she's a very impatient, headstrong little girl," he told me quietly, looking back into my eyes.


When I didn't respond, just continued to look confused at his cryptic response, he continued. "She lied…trying to get out of having to finish her lunch so that she could go play outside."


I bit my lip and nodded.


"Now that I think about it, I realize that she's done it before. She claims to be 'full' after a few bites of her food, and then she states that she wants to play outside. I've given in before, not really looking too much into it, but this afternoon…while Isabella was trying to convince me that she was full, Marie took over again and went straight for her sandwich, taking a huge bite out of it. I got suspicious and asked Marie if she was still hungry. She informed me that she was and then advised me not to listen to Isabella because she was lying…wanting to hurry up and go play outside," he told me.


"Oh…"


He chuckled without humor then. "Yeah. I was so angry at first," he informed me, to which I nodded. "But I was able to calm myself down at my reasoning that she has a child's mind and wasn't intentionally trying to starve your body. She just wanted to play, ya know?"


"Mm-hmm…"


Isabella, you're a brat.


Bella, you're a brat she mocked.


"But…" he hesitated then, and ran his free hand roughly through his hair. "But I still had to correct her behavior," he said quietly, looking back into my eyes.


I just nodded, understanding how hard this parenting thing can be sometimes. After all, I used to babysit Katy all the time. I knew some stuff.


He raised his free hand and scooped some hair behind my ear, then gently caressed my cheek with the back of his cool knuckles before letting it fall back to his lap. "I just…I really hate the sounds of your cries," he told me then.


"I know," I said quietly.


He shrugged and dipped his head a bit. "So, yeah…I've been stressed out today," he admitted sheepishly, looking at me through his long, lush eyelashes.


I kissed his knuckles again. "Sorry," I murmured against them.


He shook his head and looked me square in the eye then. "Don't Bella…don't say you're sorry. It wasn't you, it was Isabella, and it's over now. I'm not gonna dwell on it. If I did, then I'd go crazy," he told me.


I just nodded and ignored his ignorance on the matter. It was me. Isabella is me. He obviously doesn't understand that yet, but I can give him time. It will obviously take a lot of it for him to fully comprehend all of this. It truly is a very complicated situation.


"So why did you say that?" he asked, bringing me out of my reverie.


"Hmm?"


"You asked me if I was going to stay…and you told me that I had to or you would die."


I sighed. "I was…umm, thinking, and apparently my internal dialogue just leaked out a bit," I hedged.


"Explain," he demanded.


I shrugged. I hated having to admit my weaknesses. I had so many of them. "I…I'm scared, Edward," I reluctantly admitted in a whisper.


"Of what?" he asked, perplexed.


I sniffled and willed myself to not fucking cry, then spoke out in a rush. "Of you leaving. Of getting better. Of someday wanting to hurt people. Of not getting better. Of losing the time. Of you realizing that this is too damn hard. Of you not wanting to 'deal with it' anymore. Of…god, of everything-"


"Woah…baby, slow down," he instructed gently, then pulled me into his lap.


He kissed my forehead, then quickly wiped away the traitor tear that had fallen without my permission.


He started speaking in a matter-of-fact tone, then. "I'm not leaving. You're going to get better without wanting to hurt people. I will take care of you and make sure nothing bad happens when you 'lose the time', as you so eloquently put it. I will deal with things as they come, nothing will ever be too hard for me to deal with, Bella. I am a vampire. You are my mate. We are bound together for eternity," he informed me.


I nodded and lay my head down on his shoulder. I sniffled and he shushed me, then began this slow rocking motion that I figured he did with Isabella a lot.


It was sweet.


"I'm still scared," I whispered into his neck.


He tightened his hold on me. "I wish you wouldn't be. Nothing bad is going to happen-" he started before I cut him off.


I rolled my eyes. I wasn't scared of being physically hurt. "Edward, I'm scared that you're going to leave."


He stopped our rocking motion then, and lifted my head off of his shoulder. His eyes tightened as he looked at me. He just stared into my eyes, seeming to search for something, while I stared back…wondering what the fuck he was searching for.


"What do I have to do?" he suddenly asked, in a hoarse, strained whisper.


I bit my lip and looked away from his searching gaze then. I focused on his jaw instead. It was a nice jaw. Strong, pale…defined. Sexy.


He shook me a bit, getting my attention. "Bella?" he asked.


Ugh.


I just shrugged and subtly shook my head. I was a bit perplexed, myself. I didn't know why I wasn't reassured by his presence by now. It had been a week and he'd stuck by me through all the bullshit so far.


Why wasn't it enough?


Because it's just not, goddamn it Marie insisted in a hard tone.


Oh. Marie.


I looked back into Edward's eyes and attempted to explain...but, "Marie won't let me trust," was my only explanation.


He furrowed his brow. "What?" he asked in a slight angry tone.


Apparently, he didn't like that little piece of information.


"Umm…all I can say is that it will take a lot of time, Edward. Time and effort on your part," I told him with a nod.


He continued to stare.


"Because I'm not quite sure how to explain that my alternates are in charge of that part of my mind," I said softly, putting an index to my temple for a second.


He nodded slowly, taking in this information.


I sighed. "I haven't been able to trust in a while, Edward. Marie won't let me. Basically…if you can gain Isabella's and Marie's trust, then you've gained mine."


He caressed my cheek softly then, and his look of anger had melted into one of sadness. "Bella…"


I placed my hand on top of his, where it gently cupped my right cheek. "It's not just you, honey…I can't trust anyone. My alternates have made me a very insecure girl, Edward. I love you. But I can't trust you," I told him sadly.


He brought his other hand to my left cheek, cupping my face in his big hands. He kissed my forehead, my nose, then softly pressed his cool lips to mine. I kissed him back, and when he fractionally pulled away, he opened his eyes to look into mine while he whispered against my mouth, "When you get better, it won't be like that, baby."


"I hope so," I whispered back.


He gave me a small smile and chastely kissed my lips again, before he continued. "You won't be so scared and insecure anymore. You'll be able to decide who you can and can't trust," he assured me.


I subtly nodded my head in his hands.


"I promise," he insisted, letting go of my face, and taking both of my hands in his then.


"Okay," I mumbled.


"Don't be scared of getting better, sweetheart," he pleaded.


Unable to assure him, I just gave him a small smile.


I was very scared, there was no denying it. The concept of getting better, or 'healing', as Carlisle liked to put it, was terrifying because I don't know what type of person I'll be when all of this is done and over with. Will I be sadistic? Will I have a constant attitude? Will I want to suck my thumb all the time?


Don't worry 'bout it Isabella advised.


Yeah 'cause we're not fuckin going anywhere, doll. Remember? Marie insisted.


Right. You're not going anywhere…


Edward seemed to sense my worry and enveloped me in his arms, cradling me to his chest and starting that rocking motion again. He didn't speak, just left me to my thoughts, and I was thankful for that. He whispered to me that he loved me. I whispered my assurance back.

EPOV

My Bella wants me to let the family help out more. I knew this already, but hearing her repeat it only served to remind me of that daunting task. I don't want their help, goddamn it. I'm doing just fine taking care of my mate on my own.


But…at least I know that if I ever really need their help, like in some sort of an emergency-type situation, or something equally unlikely, then they wouldn't hesitate to be there for me and my mate.


But that will never happen, and I won't ever need their help, so that will remain to be a hypothetical situation.


I held her tighter to me at those thoughts, reassuring myself that she was safe. I sat there, rocking her and listening to her heartbeat while indulging in her heavenly aroma. I couldn't help but breathe in deeply, savoring her scent, when she was this close to me. She was so beautiful…so beautiful and so incredibly soft. So fragile and delicate. I stuck my nose in her hair and took another deep breath.


Mmmm…smells so fucking good.


Her hair is so soft. So silky and long and soft. I smiled and started running my fingers through the beautiful strands, occasionally bunching them in my hands. There's just so much of it for me to play with.


"I love you," I whispered to her in the quiet of the room, then let my fingers trail in her silky hair and down her small back.


"I love you, too," she whispered back, her warm breath caressing the side of my neck.


My Bella said that she couldn't trust me, and that's why she had been so insecure lately. While her declaration had hurt, I also understood what she was saying. She's unable to control who she can and can't trust. It would only make sense that her alternates would automatically take over that responsibility for her. After all, they are sort of like her 'protectors', in a way.


The solution for me was simple; get Isabella and Marie to trust me. It shouldn't be that hard. We get along fine and they already adore me. We also have a strong bond. But the fact still remains; it has only been a week.


Time should remedy the situation.


Right, and I've got plenty of time, so I'm not too worried about it.


"Edward?"


I smiled and loosened my grip on the angel in my arms.


"Yeah, baby?"


"Can I have a lolly?"


"Maybe later, Isabella," I placated her.


She lifted her head off of my shoulder and looked at me with a questioning gaze. "Now?"


I subtly shook my head. "Mm-mm, angel. You need to get your shoes on. We have to go to the store for some stuff," I informed her and gently patted her bottom, encouraging her to hop off my lap and do as she's told.


She nodded. "Kay."


She slid off of my lap and walked over to the closet. When she sat on the floor, and grabbed her shoes, she asked, "What are we getting?"


"Just a few things. Oh, and your also out of apples, sweetie pie," I informed her.


She gasped and looked away from her shoe laces to stare up at me. "They're all gone?" she asked with desperation laced in her tone.


I nodded. "Yeah, but it's okay, baby. I promise. We're getting some more today," I reminded her.


She nodded and let out a relieved sigh, then went back to carefully tying her laces. I watched and noticed that Isabella tied her shoes differently from my Bella. Isabella apparently avoided the 'bunny ears' technique, and she also didn't double-knot when she was through.


Hmmm…interesting.


Fascinating.


She stood from the ground then and stuck her thumb in her mouth as she walked over to me. I simply, grabbed her wrist, gently pulled that little thumb out of her mouth, and held her hand in my own as we walked out of the room and down the stairs, heading for the garage.


When we got down to the living room, Alice sent a glare my way, to which I rolled my eyes. She stepped in front of us then, temporarily blocking our way.


"You promised!" she said indignantly.


"Not now, Alice. We're heading out," I told her, then proceeded to side step the mini-terror with Isabella by my side.


"Edward, just leave her here with me while you run to the store real quick. I'll have her nails polished up and all pretty by the time-"


"No," I interrupted.


She stomped her foot, reminding me a lot of Marie.


Heh…maybe that's where Marie got it from. Alice. Well, Bella got it from Alice, and then it just filtered down to her alternates, causing them both to be insufferable little brats who like to stomp their foot at me all the goddamn time.


Thank you, Alice.


"Why not?!" she demanded, stepping closer to us, so that she had to crane her neck to look up and see my face.


I knew from her thoughts that she was offended. She missed her friend and she was offended by my decisions in keeping my mate with me at all times. She didn't think that I trusted her to take care of my special girl for a measly twenty minutes.


I rolled my eyes. I did trust her…when there was no other option. Like, when I needed to go hunt. But right now, I didn't need to hunt, and Isabella was going to come with me to the store.


That was final.


I stared her down. "Because she is mine, she is coming with me," I informed my annoying little sister.


"Edward, that's not fair," she insisted.


"Alice, I don't care," I countered.


"Ha! That rhymed…" Emmett informed us from his spot on the couch.


Isabella looked at him.


Emmett gave her a small smile and a little wave.


Isabella blushed.


Alice directed her attention toward Isabella then. "Sweetie, what do you want to do?" she asked in a soft voice.


Isabella looked away from Emmett and turned her gaze to Alice then, with slightly widened eyes.


I growled quietly at Alice and glared at her. She would not put my little girl in the middle of this and try to make her choose sides. Anxiety grew in my chest as I anticipated Isabella's answer. Alice shot me a smug look that made me want to smack her.


Isabella slowly stepped behind my arm, hiding half of her body from Alice's view, and tightened her grip on my hand. "Go with my Edward," she whispered shyly to Alice.


I shot Alice a smug look and pulled Isabella along while Alice huffed in defeat.


Haha.


"Later, pixie dust," I called out as Isabella and I made our way out to the garage.


Once we were in my Volvo, I double-checked and made sure that Isabella's seatbelt was buckled before starting the car, then I pulled out of the long driveway. I began fiddling with my Ipod as we started traveling down the road towards town.


Isabella broke the silent atmosphere. "We're gettin yummy apples?" Isabella asked shyly in a small voice.


I looked over at my little girl, fastened into the seat by my side.


Why is she so shy all of a sudden?


"Yes, angel. I'm getting you some apples," I assured her softly, then turned my attention back to the road.


"Edward?"


I started pressing the down button on my Ipod, scrolling through the massive song selection stored on the small device.


"Hmm?"


"You mad?" she asked hesitantly.


I looked back over at Isabella, furrowing my brow in confusion.


Do I look mad?


I quickly checked my reflection in the rearview mirror before responding to my curious little girl. "No, baby…" I trailed off.


"I'm not in trouble no more?" she asked.


I shook my head and leaned over to place a reassuring kiss to her temple. "No more trouble, sweetheart."


"Kay," she said brightly and flashed me a beautiful smile.


I smiled back, and chuckled softly at her adorable expression.


Her attitude did a complete 180 once she made sure that she wasn't in trouble anymore. She was still grounded from playing outside for the day, but I doubted that she would want to play in the backyard today anyway. The storm clouds were beginning to roll in, subtly darkening the sky in their promise to ruin any potential outdoor activities for the people of Forks this evening.


I decided then to just press play on the damn Ipod, not really caring anymore what song flowed through my car speakers at the moment. The tiny buttons were beginning to get on my nerves.


My girl sighed then, and leaned back in her seat, getting more comfortable. "Edward, why the hell didn't Alice just come with us?"


"I don't know," I replied with a shrug.


"She said that she would come next time," Marie insisted.


I nodded. "She did, huh?" I asked, remembering Alice's parting promise of 'next time' as we left the mansion to go to Best Buy the other day.


"Mm-hmm, she sure as fuck did."


I bit my lip in contemplation.


Why hadn't Alice just come along?


"Hmm…"


"Is she a goddamn liar?" Marie asked me with narrowed eyes.


I shook my head, remembering how Marie held a strong dislike for people who lie to her and Bella.


"No."


Marie kept her hard gaze on me then. It was almost like she could tell whether I was lying, just by critically staring at the side of my profile for a long time.


"Okay," she conceded quietly after a minute, then grabbed for my Ipod.


A second later, Eminem's 'Bully' started flowing through the speakers. As predicted, Marie turned up the song, and sang along. Loudly.


Adorable.


By the time Marie was done singing about how she'd be damned if she didn't stand up to a bully, we were parking in the parking lot of the local grocery store, here in Forks. I decided against going all the way out to Port Angeles for this trip because we only needed a few things and I was also worried about the weather.


I wasn't sure about Isabella's awareness habits today…so far, she seemed to be unpredictable. Just coming around to see me sporadically…whenever, and without any warning, and I knew that I didn't want to be out with her when this apparent 'severe thunderstorm with possible hail' started up. From what the meteorologist had said, it was going to get pretty bad, and Alice agreed with him.


From what I understand, some five year olds are scared of loud thunder and flashing lightning. Now, I know that Isabella is a tough little kid, but I still don't want to risk it. I want to be back at home before the storm starts, so that if she does get scared, then I could always just snuggle her all up under our big gold comforter on the bed and keep her safe from 'the scary storm'.


I smiled, knowing that that would be what Isabella would call it; 'The Scary Storm'. She always has to give everything a title. It's so fucking cute and endearing. Just like her.


Marie unbuckled her seat belt and hopped out of the passenger side of the car. She met me around at the hood and took my outstretched hand. I laced our fingers together and started leading her towards the entrance of the store.


"Ooooh…what are we gonna get, Edward?" Marie asked.


"Um, you girls need some stuff, and Isabella is all out of her apples," I informed Marie.


"What stuff?" she asked curiously as we crossed the threshold into the bright, fluorescently lit store.


"Um…well, you see-" I started but she interrupted me.


"Edward, I want in," she told me, pointing to a lone shopping cart in the middle of an aisle.


I nodded as we walked up to it. I held onto the handle, keeping the cart steady, as my girl stepped up onto the side of it, and lifted her right leg, climbing into the cart's basket. Once she was in, she told me to go. I shook my head and told her to sit her little ass down.


She huffed and wiggled her hips a bit. "Just go, Edward. This way, I can reach the really high stuff," she told me, stretching her arms up in the air, causing her little red dress to ride up her creamy white thighs in the process.


I caught a man in his thirties doing a double take of Marie's smooth legs as he turned down the aisle next to ours with a cart of his own.


I growled quietly, feeling my jealousy spike.


Mine.


I reached out and swatted her ass. "Sit down," I told her, repeating myself.


She whined and scowled at me, balling her tiny fists at her sides. I glared at her and made a move to step around the cart, not at all against the idea of throwing her over my shoulder and taking her ass back out to the car to be dealt with.


Marie must have sensed my sudden foul mood, due to the thirty year old pervin-virgin one aisle over, because when I made a move towards her, she automatically sank down to a seated position and stopped the whining noise in the back of her throat.


Once she was seated, and facing me, I breathed a sigh of relief. "Good girl," I told her quietly.


"I want lasagna," was her response.


I nodded and started pushing the cart towards the frozen foods section. I knew that I would be in charge of cooking for the next two days, and, besides making a few sandwiches and placing certain items in the oven, I am completely clueless. So, what's the easy solution to my dilemma? Frozen TV dinners. Stouffers, here we come.


God, I'm such a cheater.


Marie and I ended up picking ten different frozen dinners, all of which appeared to be complete meals that I would just have to pop in the oven for thirty minutes, or so.


"I want the fuckawesome lasagna, and monterey chicken, and alfredo pasta, and the roast turkey, and the beef tips one, and ooooooh! Mac & Cheese!" she exclaimed excitedly.


I grabbed two of those.


"And I want the yummy manicotti, and the Alaskan fish one too. Oh, and a pot pie, too…the creamy chicken one," she told me, pointing to it.


I smiled and put the cold little boxes in the cart at the opposite end of where Marie was sitting. I didn't want them to touch her bare legs and make her cold.


We continued on down the aisle, heading for the drinks sections. I picked up two more 12pk cases of Hi-C juice boxes for my baby Isabella, and some apple-berry juice for Marie. After grabbing a two-liter bottle of wild cherry Pepsi for my Bella, I turned down the next aisle for a loaf of bread and a box of cinnamon teddy grahams. Marie wanted a box of cheese RitzBitz crackers, so I grabbed that off the shelf, too.


I had to pause in the next aisle because Marie wanted to have an argument over which brand of toilet paper to get. I didn't see what the big deal was when I tried to grab for the AngelSoft. I mean, it had a baby on the front, looking all cozy and content, but nooo. Apparently, that was 'the wrong fucking choice', because 'that baby doesn't know what the hell he's talkin bout' and 'Charmin kicks all the other toilet paper rolls asses'.


Whatever.


So after I grabbed a small package of Marie's precious Charmin toilet paper, we headed over to the produce section.


I listened to Marie's subtly hum along with the overhead speakers as I ripped off a plastic bag from the dispenser and proceeded to fill it with seven apples, both red and green.


"No," Marie said.


I looked at her in question, while I reached for the last apple.


I want oranges," she said.


I nodded. "Okay, love. How many?" I asked, ripping off another plastic bag.


She put her thin finger to her chin and tapped it a few times, seeming to think about it.


"Hmmm…three," she finally said.


While I was picking out the three best oranges this store had, Marie pointed to the freshly cut fruit on the other side of the produce aisle. "Ooooooh!" she said with soft puckered lips.


I smiled, pleased that my girl could get this excited about healthy food, and not just candy.


"Hold on, angel."


"Hurry, Edward. They got fuckawesome watermelon and yummy-sweet strawberries!" she told me excitedly.


"Okay," I said while hurrying at a human pace to tie off the bag with her oranges in it.


I rolled the cart over to the side with the freshly cut fruit, and grabbed a small container of both seedless watermelon, and strawberries. Marie flashed me a beautiful smile as I handed them to her. I pressed my lips to the soft hair at the top of her head, and gave her a kiss.


Now to pick up what we had originally come here for. Feminine products.


Since I had been preparing my girls' panties for her, I knew that my Bella was almost out of her supplies. So I started strolling over to the other side of the store, towards the pharmacy/beauty/baby section.


When we stopped in an aisle stocked full of feminine products, Marie scrunched up her nose and turned her face in the other direction with a muttered, "Ew," under her breath.


I chuckled at her display, then quickly grabbed a medium sized package of the StayFree pads that I knew my Bella used. I tossed it into the cart, next to Marie, and laughed when she picked it up and threw it to the other side of the cart, furthest away from her. I could easily see her saying, 'it has cooties'. She didn't want to touch anything that had to do with a menstrual cycle. It was so ironically amusing.


I went down the next aisle then, and grabbed another stick of my Bella's Secret deodorant because I knew that she was almost out. As we were leaving that section, I heard Marie's sudden gasp, so I looked down at her to see what was wrong.


I saw that her lips were slightly parted from the gasp, and she had a seriously transfixed gaze…staring intently at something. My eyes followed hers, and when they landed on her item of interest, I immediately rejected it.


No.


"Want it…" Isabella whispered, her gaze never leaving the 3pk of pastel colored toddler pacifiers.


"No."


Hell no.


"I want it," she whispered again.


"Isabella…" I trailed off, trying to get her attention.


It took her a few seconds, but she eventually succeeded in breaking her trance. She tore her gaze away from the baby accessories and looked at me.


I leveled my gaze with hers, and stated in a calm, but serious tone, "No."


The soft keening sound of a whine started then. It began in the back of her throat, but Isabella's mouth remained closed, and soon, her eyes began to water with salty tears.


Fuck…


I gave her my perfected 'stern face' then. "Don't you do it," I warned her.


The noise continued and a little tear fell from her right eye, then proceeded to stream a wet trail down her rosy cheek.


"Don't throw a fit in the store, Isabella. I mean it," I told her, accompanying my 'stern face' with a slight glare for added affect.


Her only response was to point to the package of pacifiers and stare at me with pleading, watery chocolate eyes. "Please," she managed to squeak out right before she sniffled at me.


Goddamn it.


I quickly grabbed the package off the rack on the wall, and handed it to her. I was relieved when that wretchedly annoying noise that always indicated a temper tantrum had come to a sudden stop. Her sad face had been immediately replaced with a bright smile, just for me, and her chocolate eyes sparkled up at me in appreciation.


I am such a pussified pansy.


Yep. And she has you wrapped around her little finger.


I sighed and walked towards the section with the cleaning supplies while I listened to Isabella tell me about how one of the pacifiers was pink with pretty hearts, and another one was purple with pretty flowers, and another one was yellow with pretty stars.


Fuck my life.


I am not going to let her use those. I just gave her the package to shut her up, but now she is clearly becoming obsessed with the concept of having a 'binky' again. What the fuck is a binky, anyway?


Apparently, it's a pacifier. For babies.


I groaned quietly in frustration and peered down at my smiling little girl. She looked so damn happy…rosy cheeks, and all, while she kept a death grip on the small package of fucking pacifiers. I took a second to glare at the tiny items that had become my enemy, before I reached up to a shelf and grabbed a bottle of Tide laundry soap and a bottle of Downy fabric softener. We were almost out of both items, and since my Bella was quickly going through all of her cotton panties, because I didn't want Isabella wearing silk, or lace, I had to do a few loads of laundry tonight.


When we were waiting in line at the checkout counter, I decided to try something and asked Isabella in a soft voice, "Sweetheart, aren't you my big girl?"


She nodded and sucked on her bottom lip.


I pointed to the small package in her hand. "Those are for babies, angel," I told her.


She furrowed her brow in confusion, so I continued.


"You're a big girl, huh?"


She smiled. "Yah-huh, I'ma big girl."


"Big girls don't have binkies," I informed her.


"Yah-huh, they do, Edward," she told me with a nod.


Damn it.


I subtly shook my head and tried again. "No, they don't."


"Ya-huh…they got thumbs and binkies," she insisted in her soft, childish voice that always served to remind me that she really is just a baby.


What the hell am I going to do?


I started putting our items on the conveyor belt then, trying to figure out what I had gotten myself into by handing her that small package. I had only ever seen pacifiers in an infant's mouth, and maybe the occasional toddler. Not pre-schoolers, though, and that's exactly what Isabella is. She is five not two, goddamn it.


I sighed, and grabbed the fruit, placing it next to the other items on the belt. Just then, a little boy, by the age of four walked by us. He was holding onto his mothers hand, and a dark blue pacifier was firmly attached to his mouth.


Oh, come the fuck on!


I looked away from the little brat then, and turned back towards Isabella. She had a delighted smile on her smug face, that clearly said 'told ya so'. She had obviously seen the wretched little pacifier boy as well, and he had just proven her point for her.


I gave a slight glare at her smug look, and snatched the package of pacifiers out of her hand, placing it on the conveyor belt, next to the feminine pads.


I pinched the bridge of my nose and ran my hand through my hair, gripping it in frustration. Maybe I could just act like I lost them. Or I could say that they 'accidentally' got left at the store.


Just something.


I had to come up with something that prevented her from becoming a 'binky baby' again, and kept me out of the doghouse at the same time. I really don't want to look like the bad guy in this scenario. I could already see how those little things made her happy, and I don't want her to view me as the person who took her damn binky away. That would make me an asshole…no better than that sick fuck, Jim, when he 'killed' her toys right in front of her.


Shit, this is a sticky situation.


I started grabbing the shopping bags and placing them inside the cart with Isabella then. She helped me situate the bags around her petite form, so that I could turn away from her to slide my credit card through the machine, and pay for the $70 bill.


I was walking the cart full of groceries and Isabella out to the car, when I decided to try again. I wanted to attempt to convince her of her big-girl status one more time. I looked down at Isabella, who was staring intently at the bag that I knew had those damn pacifiers in it, and called her name. Her head shot up and she looked at me in question.


"Pretty girl, binkies are for babies and-" I started before she cut me off with a shake of her head.


"Nuh-uh, Edward. You don't know 'bout babies, but it's okay…I teach you."


Is that so?


I raised my eyebrows at her, and waited for her to 'teach me'.


"See, ba-ba bottles and sippy-cups are for babies," she explained.


I nodded in agreement.


"But I can still be a big girl and have my thumb and my binky," she informed me with an adorable smile.


Hmm…


"Well, sweetie…I think you're a little bit confused, angel. I know that bottles and binkies are for babies, but I bet that you could still be a big girl with your thumb and a sippy-cup. Do you want a sippy-cup, sweetheart?" I offered.


'Cause I'll go back in there right fucking now, and trade in those stupid pacifiers for a little cup with a weird top on it.


She sucked on her top lip, then shook her head. "Nope, Edward, I told you…sippy-cups are for babies. And I'm a big girl."


Apparently you're not, because 'binkies' are for babies.


Damn. It.


We were by my car now, so I reached my arms out for her. "C'mere, baby."


She stood up so I hooked my hands under her shoulders and lifted her out of the cart, then placed her on the ground with a kiss to her forehead. "Get in the car and buckle up, angel."


I loaded up the back seat with the shopping bags with a defeated sigh. I was going to have to hide them from her, or something. It bothers me a bit when she sucks her thumb, because she shouldn't need it as much as she does, and besides…it just looks odd for an adult to have their thumb in their mouth. But I know that she's not likely to give it up anytime soon…that's why I made that bedtime rule for her; to sort of wean her off of it. If she can only have it during certain times, and learns to go throughout the day's normal stresses without the comfort of her thumb, then eventually she won't need it anymore. All that these damn pacifiers would do is hinder her progress with that.


I sat in the driver's seat and started the car.


"Edward…" she said with a slight scowl on her face.


I sighed and looked at her question.


Now what?


"How come the baby gets something special, but not me?" Marie asked indignantly.


I rolled my eyes.


Right, because we wouldn't want you to feel left out.


She always feels left out.


"I got your reeses pieces from the check-out lane, sweetheart. They're back there in the bags somewhere," I told her distractedly while turning left into traffic.


She got a big smile on her face and hurriedly unbuckled her seatbelt, then shot out of her seat, bending over in between our seats and reaching into the grocery bags in the back seat.


Her hip pushed against my right arm and I swatted her ass. "Sit back down and buckle your seat belt Marie! Christ…there's a cop at the end of this road," I told her.


She huffed and snatched up the small bag of her reeses pieces candy. "Okay, okay…don't get your pretty man-panties all in a twist," she remarked then sat back on her heels and gave my cheek and kiss before she twisted around and sat in her seat. She had her belt buckled exactly four seconds before we passed by the patrol car sitting on the corner.


She opened the bag of candy and started munching on the little round candies. "Mmmm…" she moaned at the taste.


I exhaled sharply as I felt a new wave of lust overcome my body. Her heavenly moans never failed to radiate pure sex.


Mmmm, indeed.


Marie turned on my Ipod then, and immediately began singing along with Ashanti's 'Baby', while occasionally eating a piece of her candy. When the song was done and she had thoroughly sung her little heart out, she concentrated on finishing the small bag of peanut butter treats that she had been holding onto and using as a play microphone.


After cupping her hand and pouring some reeses pieces into it, she quickly stuck her palm to her lips, letting the candy fall into her mouth. She smiled up at me, but then stopped mid-chew to sit and blink…and stare at me. She finally swallowed and after two minutes of her silence, I glanced at my girl curiously.


"…What?"


She blinked once and subtly shook her head. "Edward, tell me you didn't," Bella said slowly.


I furrowed my brow. "Didn't what, love?"


Her eyes flashed with anger as she quickly unbuckled her seat belt and went for the back seat. Again.


"Bella, I swear to God-"


"Fucking hell, Edward-"


I quickly swatted her ass. "Sit down."


She did, and when she buckled her seat belt, I noticed the small package that she had in her hand. She scowled at me.


"Oh," was all I could say.


"Oh! Oh?! Edward, what were you thinking?" Bella snapped.


I sighed. "She was starting to cry-" I started but she cut me off.


"So?!"


I looked at Bella incredulously. I had told her what her cries did to me.


She ran her hand through her hair in frustration - a habit that she picked up from me. "Edward, you have to have more of a backbone when it comes to her," Bella told me.


Hey! I have a fucking backbone with my five year old, damn it.


Now it was my turn to mess up my hair. "Bella, what the hell was I supposed to do? Huh? She was going to throw a fucking fit in the goddamn store!" I yelled at her.


Bella crossed her arms over her chest and glared at me. "And? Katy used to do that shit all the time. You take the little brat out of the goddamn store and you bring her back to the car until she calms down. You don't give in. You don't buy Isabella fucking pacifiers for babies, Edward," she advised in a harsh tone.


I was speechless for a moment, absorbing what my Bella had just said. It made sense. And she had fucking experience with that little Katy girl. Why hadn't I thought of that before?!


Because you're a dense motherfucker.


I should be asking my Bella for advice, not Esme and Alice.


"Jesus!" she cried exasperatedly.


And see? They are for babies.


"Thank you," I muttered.


"What?" she asked incredulously with raised eyebrows.


"Nothing. I tried telling Isabella they were for babies, but-"


"Christ-" she cut me off, rolling her eyes.


I interrupted her this time. "Bella, I-"


"I mean, you have got to be fucking kidding me!" she yelled and clenched her fists.


Okay, why is she getting so damn angry?


I gripped the steering wheel tightly, not wanting to yell anymore at the beautifully frustrated girl sitting next to me. "Bella, what's the problem? I mean…yeah, I understand being upset, because I'm a little upset myself, but…fuck, why are you so angry about this?"


She huffed and shook her head a bit. She uncrossed her arms, then picked up the small package from her lap and gripped it in her hand again. She gritted her teeth a couple of times, but when she spoke, she seemed a bit calmer.


She exhaled sharply and narrowed her eyes a bit. "Do you know how hard it is right now…do you have any goddamn idea what it's putting me through, to not to rip this package open and stick one of these god forsaken things in my mouth? Hmm?" she asked lowly.


I looked at her incredulously.


"And Isabella is not fucking helping matters any!" she snapped to the side...and I had a feeling that that little comment was directed more towards Isabella, than me.


"Baby, what…?"


She clenched her jaw and stared at me. "These things are like crack to me," she ground out through gritted teeth and gripped the package tighter in her hand.


Okay, maybe she's still a little angry, after all.


Before I could respond, she continued on with her rant.


"Edward, you don't know a lot of things about me. One of them being that I was addicted to pacifiers, or fucking 'binkies', whatever - until I was five, when Jim took them all away from me. That's when I started in with my thumb," she revealed.


I shook my head. "You're not five anymore-"


"No, but Isabella is!" she pointed out.


Fine. Point taken.


"So just shut up and listen," she said exasperatedly.


I resolved to 'shut up and listen', then nodded for her to continue.


She sighed then, and glanced out the window before looking back to me. "My mom…she did absolutely nothing to try and dissuade me away from these things," she told me, holding up the package for my viewing pleasure.


"When I was three, instead of weaning me off of them, like a normal fucking parent would, she made me this…like, this fucking necklace with my collection of pacifiers tied around it. They were attached to it like charms, or something, so that I could always have access to them," she informed me.


She bit her lip. "I had a very strong oral fixation when I was a kid because of my mother's neglect, and it passed through to Isabella. It's absolutely hopeless when it comes to that kid's addictions. I know, because it used to be me. I know how she feels…" she trailed off, sounding defeated now.


I grabbed her hand and rubbed soothing circles into her palm. After a minute, she spoke again.


"Why did you have to buy these for her?" she asked in a soft voice that cracked, holding up the 3pk package of pastel pacifiers.


I shrugged. I hadn't known that it was going to be that big a deal. "I fucked up," I admitted quietly.


She nodded and stayed quiet, then. I noticed how she was gripping the small package and staring at it intently…the same way that Isabella had been eyeing it earlier in the store.


Great. Just. Fucking. Great.


We pulled into the garage and as soon as I turned the ignition off, Bella spoke up again. She began to slowly hand me the small package, and when I gripped it in my own hand, it took her a second to actually let go of the cardboard material. She swallowed thickly, then tore her intent gaze away from the pacifiers to look up into my concerned one.


She whispered to me then. "I remember…um, I remember what Jim did. You have to do it too," she told me quietly.


I furrowed my brow. "Bella, I'm not going to do anything that that schitzed out motherfucker did-" I started in a tone that was laced with my anger, but she held up a delicate palm to stop me.


She kept up our eye contact as shook her head slowly. "Nothing like that," she whispered.


"What, then?" I asked.


"The pacifiers…" she trailed off.


My eyes automatically widened with rapt attention.


Could she give me the solution that I'd been fretting over for the past hour? Could she fix this?


She bit her lip and said conspiratorially, "You have to poke little holes in them. Maybe snip them at the tip a little bit with some scissors? It makes them lose their suction, and then they will no longer be appealing. Isabella will come to you, upset…ask you what's wrong with her binky. Just tell her that it's broken," she told me quietly.


I nodded, thankful for her advice. I really should start talking to her about this confusing parenting crap more often. She clearly knows what she's doing.


She sighed and it almost sounded like it was in regret. She looked so sad, and she was staring longingly at something to my side. I followed her eyes' trail and noticed that she was looking at the package of pacifiers that I had set on the dash.


Aw.


I leaned in to get her attention and softly kissed her pouting pink lips, then skimmed my way up to her smooth forehead. "I'm sorry," I murmured against her warm flesh.


She nodded and trailed her fingers along my arm. "It's okay…you didn't know," she shrugged.


I ran my fingers softly through her hair by her temple and ear, then cupped her jaw. "Yeah, but I should have," I reasoned.


She bit her lip and furrowed her brow, looking at me skeptically. "You're allowed to make mistakes, honey," she told me softly.


I kissed her adorable button nose and smiled then, relishing in the reassurance that I felt at her quiet statement.


I'm allowed to make mistakes.